The Fruit of the Spirit Goes West - The Villain's Revenge

THE FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT

GOES WEST

The Villain’s Revenge

or

More Foiled Against Than Foiling

By Bob Allen

 

“The fruit of the Spirit is…longsuffering.”  (Galatians 5:22)

“Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again.”  (I Peter 2:23)

“…an example of suffering affliction, and of patience.  Behold, we count them happy which endure” (James 5:10-11).

CHARACTERS

            Rocky Rhodes                                   – A true-blue, rootin’-tootin’

Western cowboy.

            Edgar Snerd                                      - A classic, Western villain

            Cuddley Doright                               - A real sweetheart

THE SCENE

            EDGAR IS IN THE PROCESS OF TYPING CUDDLEY TO THE RAILROAD TRACKS, FRUSTRATED BY HER COMPLETE COOPERATION.  HER FEET ARE ALREADY TIES, BUT LOOSELY.

CUDDLEY:  Do you want my hands up over my head or behind my back, Mr.                                  Snerd?

EDGAR:        Don’t you ‘Mr. Snerd’ me. 

CUDDLEY:  I was just asking.  Are my feet close enough together?  Is it all right if                           I cross my ankles?  It’s more ladylike, I would suppose.

EDGAR:        Listen, dame.  Ain’t nothing ladylike about bein’ tied to the tracks.                                That cowcatcher ain’t gonna care how your hands are tied, believe you me.

CUDDLEY:  Sorry, I just wanted to help.

EDGAR:        (SHOUTS)  Help?  You don’t help a villain.   You’re supposed to be                              crying for help, not trying to help.  Come on.  Yell.  Help!  Help!

ROCKY:        (ENTERS RUNNING.)  Someone in trouble here?

CUDDLEY:  Oh no, it’s all right.  Mr. Snerd here just needed a little help knowing the best way to tie me to the tracks.  What do you think, should my hands be over my head or behind my back?

EDGAR:        I don’t need any help.  I’m a villain.

CUDDLEY:  A good villain.

EDGAR:        I don’t want to be a good villain.   Stop helping me.

ROCKY:        Hold still, I’ll untie your feet.  (ROCKY UNTIES HER FEET                                     WHILE EDGAR TIES HER HANDS.) 

CUDDLEY:  No, it’s all right.  Really.  Trains only come through here on Saturday                           night, and it’s just Monday morning.

ROCKY:        Don’t tell him that.  You’re helping him.  (ROCKY MOVES OVER                             AND UNTIES HER HANDS WHILE EDGAR RETIES HER FEET.)

EDGAR:        That’s all she’s done ever since I showed up to foreclose on her Root                             Beer Stand.

CUDDLEY:  I was behind in my mortgage payment.  (SHE SITS UP AND OFFERS HER ARMS TO EDGAR TO BE RE-TIED.) 

EDGAR:        By only seven minutes.  Lay down.

ROCKY:        Stay up.  And keep your hands free.  I’ll get your feet.

CUDDLEY:  (LAYING BACK DOWN.)  But he’s trying so hard.

EDGAR:        What do you think I am?  Avis?  Rent-a-villain.  We try harder.                                    EDGAR TIES HER HANDS AGAIN WHILE ROCKY UNTIES HER FEET.)  I got rid of your father, didn’t I?

CUDDLEY:  Sending him on that wild goose chase to your own mortgage company                          for a loan was the best thing anyone ever did for him.  He finally got the vacation he needed.

EDGAR:        And I got your boyfriend locked up in the pokey.  That wasn’t just                               trying harder.  (THE TWO MEN CIRCLE AROUND CUDDLEY, EACH TRYING TO GET TO THE ROPE.) 

CUDDLEY:  But it was at the jail that he discovered he wasn’t really an orphan.                               The jailer’s wife lost him in a snowstorm twenty years ago.  He carried his clothes to jail in the same handbag she was carrying him in when she lost him.

EDGAR:        Curses.  Foiled again.

ROCKY:        You’d better just give up and release her, Snerd.

EDGAR:        Never.  I’m going to do something nasty to this girl if it’s the last thing I do.  I refuse to be killed by kindness.

CUDDLEY:  I’ve got an idea.

EDGAR:        (SHOUTS.)  Don’t help me.

CUDDLEY:  But it’s the only way to make me lose my patience.

EDGAR:        All right.  But tell him, not me.

CUDDLEY:  (STANDS AND WALKS OVER TO ROCKY WITH HER HANDS                           STILL TIED TOGETHER.)   If he would give me back the Root Beer Stand, it would be the meanest thing he ever did.

EDGAR:        It would?  I mean, ask her why that would be mean.  Not that I want                            to know, but you must be curious.

ROCKY:        I’m curious.

CUDDLEY:  No one likes our Root Beer.  We’re going broke.  That’s why we                                    couldn’t pay the mortgage.

EDGAR:        Aha!  Then if I give back the stand she’ll go broke and all will be mine.

ROCKY:        Give me the foreclosure papers and I’ll give them to her.

EDGAR:        Gladly!  Gladly!

ROCKY:        (GIVES THE PAPERS TO CUDDLEY.)   By the way, no one likes your Root Beer because the spring where you get your water has oil in it.  That stand stands on top of the biggest oil field in all of Texas.  

CUDDLEY:  (TAKES THE MORTGAGE PAPERS FROM ROCKY.)   Oh, Mr. Snerd.  You are so mean.   You are the best villain ever.

EDGAR:        Curses!  Foiled again!  (EDGAR TRIES TO GRAB FOR THE PAPERS, BUT ROCKY HOLDS HIM BACK WHILE CUDDLEY EXITS.) 

ROCKY:        “Behold, we count them happy which endure” (James 5:11).