THE FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT
GOES WEST
By Bob Allen
THE PECULIAR PROPOSAL
John 21: 15 “Lovest thou me more than these?”
Characters
Western cowboy.
Samantha
Rider -Rocky’s
long-time sweetheart.
The
Lonesome Guitar Player -A
lonesome guitar player.
Scene
Rocky and
Samantha are seated on a horse blanket enjoying a picnic Samantha has
prepared. A large rock in the
background hides the Lonesome Guitar Player from view. On the top of the rock sits an apple pie.
ROCKY: You
all outdone yourself with this potato salad.
Delicious. Not too many things I
love more than potato salad. (THE LONELY
GUITAR PLAYER
REACHES UP FROM BEHIND THE ROCK AND TAKES THE
PIE.) Course there is one thing I love
more.
SAM: Hot
apple pie?
ROCKY: Not a
chance. Out here in the middle of the
prairie?
SAM: Better
than potato salad?
ROCKY: Even
if it’s cold.
SAM: Been
heating it ever since we tethered Ace and Queenie down by the stream. Set it over on that rock while you were busy
with the saddles. A glass cover and a blazing sun
can do wonders for a slice of apple pie. (THE GUITAR PLAYER REPLACES THE PIE ON TOP OF THE ROCK MINUS ONE
SLICE.)
ROCKY: Ice
cream?
SAM: Don’t
push your luck. (SAMANTHA CROSSES TO THE
ROCK TO BRING BACK
THE APPLE PIE.)
ROCKY: Not
too many things I love better than hot apple pie and ice cream. (AS
ROCKY TAKES A BIG BITE OF PIE, THE LONESOME GUITAR
PLAYER BEGINS TO STRUM.) Course, there’s
one thing I love more.
SAM: A
guitar?
ROCKY: Not
too many things I love more than the soft strumming of guitar strings.
SAM: I
thought we were going on a picnic alone.
What’s he doing here?
ROCKY: I
don’t see anyone.
SAM: Come
out from behind that rock. I know you’re
there.
ROCKY: Maybe
it’s a solar-powered CD Player. A solar
cell and a blazing sun can
do wonders for modern technology.
SAM: CD
Player?
ROCKY: Not
too many things I love more than the quadraphonic sound of woofers and
tweeters reproducing the skillful technique of a master musician. (THE LONESOME GUITAR PLAYER HITS A SOUR CHORD.)
PLAYER: Sorry!
ROCKY: (ASIDE) Not too many things I hate more than a sorry
guitar player.
SAM: Get
out here and show your sorry face.
PLAYER: I
can’t.
ROCKY: He
can’t.
SAM: He
most certainly can.
PLAYER: No, I
can’t.
ROCKY: No, he
can’t.
SAM: Why
not? Are you legless or just
spineless? (THE LONELY GUITAR
PLAYER QUITS STRUMMING.)
ROCKY: Now
you’ve gone and done it?
SAM: I’ve
done it? Who invited this intruder to
our picnic in the first place?
PLAYER: He did.
ROCKY: I did.
SAM: You
did?
ROCKY: I
thought it would help create the proper mood, so I could tell you how much I love…
SAM: My
potato salad?
ROCKY: There’s
something I love even more than that.
SAM: Hot
apple pie and ice cream?
ROCKY: Even
more than those.
SAM: More
than Ace?
PLAYER: Don’t
push your luck.
SAM: I’ve
given you your last warning, buster.
Either get out here with that confounded
guitar high above your head or I’m coming to flush you out with guns ablazing. (SAMANTHA STARTS AROUND ONE SIDE OF THE ROCK WHILE
THE PLAYER RUNS FROM THE OTHER
SIDE, HANDS HELD HIGH AND SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS.)
PLAYER: Help! (HE DISAPPEARS AGAIN BEHIND THE ROCK WHILE SAMANTHA
COMES OUT THE OTHER SIDE.) HELP!
SAM: Come
back here you pie-stealing, string-plucking, party-crashing, two-bit,
good-for-nothing…
ROCKY: (SHOUTING
AT THE SAME TIME AS SAM AND THE GUITAR PLAYER) I love a woman who enjoys being alone with
me. I love a woman who isn’t afraid to take matters
into her own hands. I love a woman who chases guitar
players out of their hiding places. (THE
LONELY
GUITAR PLAYER SUDDENLY STOPS SHOUTING AS SAMANTHA STOPS CHASING.) I love… (ROCKY REALIZES IT IS QUIET AND
SOFTENS HIS VOICE) Samantha.
SAM: More?
ROCKY: More.
SAM: More
than…?
ROCKY: ACE.
SAM: How
much more?
ROCKY: Well,
let me put it this way. I ain’t never
going to ask Ace to marry me.
(ROCKY AND SAMANTHA EMBRACE AS THE GUITAR PLAYER WALKS
OVER AND TAKES THE REST OF THE APPLE PIE.)
PLAYER: If it
ain’t “more than,” it ain’t really love.
(THE LONELY GUITAR PLAYER STARTS STRUMMING AGAIN AS ROCKY
AND SAMANTHA WALK HAND IN HAND INTO THE SUNSET.)
The End
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